In which she figures out how to decide where to put her energy

Things I am excited about:

Collaborating with Rick on his Ghost House Project. (We will be making plush/softie versions of his Ghost House paintings). I've been doing some general inquiry about why I am so open to do this project and why I'm so wary of collaborating with other people sometimes. Perhaps because there are clear boundaries about what our individual roles are--and because he is actually putting so much effort into this project--that I will not likely end up feeling taken for granted (letting myself get taken for granted?). More on that later.

Meeting with Irene about the possibility of incorporating my idea for a fabric store/sewing lounge into her gallery space. I'm not putting any eggs into any baskets here, but I like the idea of just talking about what's possible. Just getting closer to the real possibility of doing this thing.

I was about to add another item about helping Brian with promo stuff for his band, but suddenly not feeling so good about it. These are the things that I need to pay attention to: putting energy into things (to help or benefit others) that ultimately leave me feeling taken for granted. This is a very important realization for me to have right now--knowing in advance that I will not feel good about putting too much energy into that project.

In which she starts believing that all people are really actually doing the best they can

New post. With Capitalization. And punctuation other than ellipses. And a lot more on my mind these days. Sure I still love to gush about fabric and dreamweave about my future endeavors. But I figured this new thing out. Somebody might call it being "present". Some other body might call it "letting go". Some other asshole might call it something else. I'm going to call it a permanent breakthrough.

I have breakthroughs all the time--when everything is illuminated and things feel so ok--and I am in control of what I need to be in control of. Those are brilliant moments and then they end. It's like one thing triggers you and BEEEEEPPP! Breakthrough time is up! Get back to your old habits! Get back to your story! (Either said in a computer-maid voice, or a southern cowpoke voice, not sure which). So little breakthroughs are great--especially when you write them down, and then the next time you sit down to write, and you read backwards to see what was up last time and WTF? It says the exact same thing! Maybe with a few different superlatives thrown in, names and faces change (...paused there, tended to a very sleepy child with a terrible case of 'leg rash'...) but ultimately you keep learning the same thing over and over. And it's not even a tricky or complicated thing--no, that's not why we always forget.

Possible metaphor: it's like a history test. In which you stay up all night, passionately studying to remember a bunch of names and numbers, in order to take the test, get an A+, and subsequently forget each and every answer as you get your humanities credits out of the way in order to learn chemical engineering or some useful shit like that. It's not until you decide to love learning about history--and seeing the big picture--of history as change (stole that from a movie I watched last night: Full Nelson. SOOOOO good. I can't believe I hadn't seen it before. And why didn't anyone tell me how fucking adorable that Ryan Gosling is? Damn) that you will retain the important stuff and take it with you. On your journey. Of life. Hee hee. I'm a cliche waiting to happen, aren't I?

Did it work? The metaphor, I mean. So basically until we learn to love and appreciate our own processes, will these breakthroughs really stick. I think I typically judge myself when i have one of my famous breakthroughs and then 2 days later have a freakout in which all of the wisdom just flies out the window. So there I am all pissed at myself for not behaving the way I think I should be behaving, so frustrated with myself for not being 'better' and I just sink back into it. I'm think I'm a jackass and therefore I will act like a jackass. So this is what's possible: I can step back from my judgement (which I would typically be doing at this VERY moment: you can't BLOG when your son has leg rash!) and just see that I'm doing the best I can. Truly. In every moment, we're all just doing the best we can. And at the same time, what we are programmed to do. As an overachiever, I am interested in deprogramming, so that I can do better. Eventually. But right now? Perfect.

Confession: if someone were to observe me at work at my computer, they would probably want me to get help for my freakish email checking, blog checking, facebook addiction. I would tell me to knock it off if I were, um, me. But I'm not exactly 'me' right now, now am I? I'm having a permanent breakthrough here! Do you realize how serious this is? It could affect life as we know it! Things might not ever be the same! Gawd I hope so.

I leave you with this bunny picture. This bunny helped me to figure out how to do this thing that I'm doing. You see, he is on the front of a new little notebook that I got for my birthday. I had been staring at him (not using the notebook) for a long time, looking for answers. Finally, FINALLY, I figured it out! Without further ado:This is the artist who made it is Nathalie Lete. She's a little bit inspiring, no?