rethinking

letting go of an idea that i'm attached to is a really hard thing to do. and that's why i'm going to do it here, in a semi-public sphere. to make it *official*. goodbye big beautiful dilapidated building. i will think of you often.

colouring

in the spirit of wasting time, i thought i'd visit colourlovers, which i haven't messed around with for a while...so much fun to be had on the internets. too much. here's a color palette:

based on this "inspiration" photo:

fashioning

uh oh. found a new time-waster.

Welcome to Polyvore! by csnow featuring Forever21

collaborating

I was just browsing around my friend Rick's blog and was reminded of this project that we did together a while back. I miss the little ghosties. It was an extremely fun and satisfying project--the kind of thing I could do all the time.

helping

I am so happy to get to practice my rudimentary design skills for friends with cool businesses...

quilting

Last night I had a rare opportunity to see a collection of Gee's Bend Quilts at BAM and meet two of the artists whose families have been making these quilts for generations. It's a remarkable story, and the quilts are really exciting to look at.

I have to admit though, some of the Q&A totally bugged the shit out of me. There could have been a really interesting conversation about any number of topics--Louisiana and China--the two women present--had really insightful and intelligent things to say--but were asked stupid questions like: "Doesn't it just feel AWFUL to see your work hanging in a museum, instead of wrapping yourself up in it?" Louisiana's answer was (I'm totally paraphrasing) "If we kept our quilts for ourselves, we'd be the only ones who knew about them--this way the whole world gets to see them, and enjoy them. Our quilts are like children--they are born, they grow up, you let them go." Such a lovely, simple, pure way to look at it. And all those art students couldn't grapple with the guilt they felt about how intentionally they are going about their work. How much purpose and importance and thought they put into it; instead of just creating--out of necessity--and letting the work speak for itself.

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Accidental post part I

I'm going to always put "Part I" when I start writing about something new. Forcing myself to follow up. Maybe I'll even at some point put "Part I of V" or something, to really seal the deal. And now here I am writing about I-don't-even-know-what because I accidentally clicked the wrong tab. All I really wanted to do was to add a widget. What's funny is that nobody even reads this. I'm marketing myself to nobody. Which is fine. When I'm ready, I'll be ready, and I'll put it out there.

Oh! I'm contemplating going back to school. This is to put a third and altogether different spin on the possible direction of my life. Whatever route I take, I know that I have to do SOMETHING different, and soon, or I might explode. Or implode. It will not be pretty.

I started a new blog--one that will be dedicated to the fashion show that's coming right up...details here.

Bike Metaphor Part II (Contrived, but true)

Why I wrote "Part I" on my last post is a complete mystery.  I had no plans to follow up, but I suppose it was a good tactic to require a forced "Part II".  

I've got my eye on a new bike.  It's top of the line.  It's fast, it's beautiful, it works really really well, and it has a lifetime warranty.  I've never been wooed by the idea of a lifetime warranty before because all of my decisions have been so temporary.  "This will work for now." type of stuff.  (Do I have commitment issues?)   But suddenly I'm having more of a long-term approach to where I put my energy, resources, commitments.  Did I mention this bike is super expensive?   Money shouldn't be an issue.  (But it is.)  I still want the bike, and I will not compromise.  

Bicycle Metaphor Part I

Lately I've been frustrated. You know, with myself. In an attempt to treat myself with more compassion, I'm not going to judge it, I'm going to make a metaphor out of it. There's something infinitely more cathartic about processing through frustration via metaphor.

So I'm learning how to "ride a bike" (start/run a business). A little late in life too--all my friends already know how to ride. They're out tearing up the streets sans training wheels (although they do have pretty terrible accidents sometimes, and end up not being able to ride a bike at all). And there's so much fear because 3 people have been killed by bikes in the past month in this very town. So sad. And true (not part of the metaphor). And then there's me--teetering along, scared shitless, so not confident in the strength of my legs or my sense of balance.

So I'm scooting along on my bike, which quite frankly might not even be the right bike for me. It might be too small. It feels slow, and might need a tune up. Perhaps I need to take the plunge and invest in a bigger, comfier, faster, sleeker more fancy bike? Perhaps I need to suck it up and make do with what I have? Either way, I'm just resisting it. There's freedom that comes from knowing how to get on a bike and ride. And freedom can be scary. And so I have excuses about why it's not 'clicking'. I have throngs of people supporting me--holding on to the seat and stabilizing me--just waiting for me to zoom off on my own. They're saying "you can do it" but the more I hear that, the more distracted I get about what it is I actually have to do.

Ah ha! There it is. What is IT? The thing that you need to actually be able to ride a bike? It's not a you can do IT. It's a you can do all of these things at the same time in perfect harmony with one another. So while I've been looking for an IT, I really have been avoiding all of the parts that make IT up. Balance, strength, concentration, focus, coordination, desire, flexibility. Yup. There it is.

Biking is fancy

Right now, it's all about bikes. Thus, it's all about bike bags--from here on out. A bike bag is just a bag--but with the addition of two sturdy snap straps on the back that make it possible to attach it to handlebars, racks, or whatever part of your bike you desire. I've decided that every medium sized bag I make from now on will have this option. It just makes sense! (You can also attach the straps to your belt for a gigantic fanny pack, if you are so inclined. The brown & pink one will be donated to the winner of the upcoming Dirty in Pink alley cat bike race. Where will the second one end up? Etsy? That's a novel idea.

Thank you, ego

It's not a good time to be "blogging" -- not early enough to feel crisp -- not late enough to feel like i'm taking a break from my day. Good excuse right?!

So I'm developing this new business plan. And I'm doubting. Big time. What I would have liked to create already exists. Do you know how frustrating that is? Story (excuse) of my life: day late, dollar short. I guess everyone probably has their own stumbling block that shows up every time they think they have a good idea...their own internal critic that tells them: yaaaaaaaaaaa, NO. So what I'm reminding myself to do is to keep working on it.

Whether or not resources already exist, doesn't mean that there's not room for more resources of a different (but similar) kind. I need to figure out what unique qualities that I (capital I) can bring to the table--that will help more, or in a different way, or in a way that makes sense for certain kinds of people.

Stumbling block # 2: the kind of people I want to work with (the kind of people I like) would have their shit together enough already to not need anything from me. So let's get this straight: I want to work with people who don't need me? That is so odd. BUT--it's just a stumbling block! It's just an excuse! It's just a story! The kind of people who need me are: extremely creative. Brilliant even. Fucking geniuses. Brilliant creative geniuses who don't have the time or the skills to run day to day operations to make what they do WHAT THEY DO.

I don't want to see certain people working in coffee shops anymore--inasmuch as I know people just LOVE working in coffee shops. I want them to be working on their work! I want it to be profitable and worthwhile for them to do so! I want to be that supportive resource that guarantees that it's going to work because they are geniuses and I have a plan for them.

So here's the extra hard part. The ego part. The part where I pout and say "but what about MY genProxy-Connection: keep-alive
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s"? "Is it not worth investing this kind of energy in MYSELF"? "Is my gift to the world really about resourcing other people"? And another: "If I really am good at this stuff, why am I not a wildly successful artist"? Because my brain works both ways I have never committed myself wholly to the life of the artist. I have too much pragmatism and common sense and I can get high paying jobs selling advertising. Therein lies the conundrum. Thank you ego. Thank you very much.

(color) scheming

I love a color scheme...especially when it emerges from two projects and one snack that are all being worked on at once.  This one was especially cohesive, so I went over to ColourLovers and made a palette and a pattern out of it.

Reconstructed

So, the superhero and supervillian turned out pretty good. I had something completely different in my head, but sometimes (all the time?) things end up different...especially when collaborating. I need to learn that there's an inherent BEAUTY in that...such a control freak, I. Anyway, we had two extremely talented and engaging models, which made the whole thing that much better. Strangely, for me--the most fun part was making a stencil and spraypainting big diamonds on that black cape...

Project Runway?

Oh, dear imaginary reader. Am I Project Runway material? I really have no idea. I would like to see someone like me on the show--but would America? I have my doubts. Anyway, I filled out the application, designed some stuff, sewed some stuff, took pictures of some stuff, made a freaking video (by myself on my lunch break) and sent it all in on time. If nothing else, I'm just glad I did it...for the sake of doing it. Nuff said. I really like the way this top turned out though. I'm going to wear it tomorrow...

Superhero/Supervillain!

Crap. Reconstruct '09 Fashion Show--themed SUPERHERO!/SUPERVILLIAN!-- is a week from tomorrow and I haven't even started! I'm doing both a hero and a villian, made out of old, discarded, unwanted music--mostly vinyl records--but also cassette tapes, 8 tracks?, whatever else I can get my hands on. The hero will represent all that is good and pure about music--and the villain will symbolize the toxic music "industry". It's cliche, but i think it's supposed to be. Right? Superheroes are all about cliche.

I'm taking inspiration from these couture pieces featured in the Met Museum's archives. And now all I have to do is figure out how to melt vinyl records. How hard can it be? This is a pretty incredible piece by Niki Cook from last year. What a cool medium! I bet it's super toxic! I think this diynetwork tutorial pretty much sums it up. Easy peasy.

IDEA!

Stimulate the local economy by supporting your community.
STREET CRED
IT CARD

or

THE IT CARD
BY STREET CRED

A barter based "credit card" for independent artists, designers and craftspeople. Also ensures a discount for any cash based purchases between members.

IDEA!

This would take place on the blog: a monthly survey where people submit beautiful things they see online (i'm imagining links to photos on design websites, mostly). People then get to vote on what they'd like to make most, then I figure out how to make the winning design, and we have a class.

I vote for this amazing pillow (featured on d*s) as project # 1!

BRAINSTORM!

Balls are rolling...things are in motion. That's vague, but it's all I can really say at this point. I don't know where the ball will end up, just that it's gaining momentum.

I wanted to put a few thoughts down, because what better place to do so?

Multi-project themed courses
Select from a menu of options, and receive a complete list of all materials needed (to be bought at once, in a group, so they all correspond!) A multi-week course, with 2 hour classes once a week--depending on the number of items chosen. 1 hour free drop-in sewing per week, plus discounts on all fabric/notion purchases for the project.

1) New baby sewing series: beginner
*fitted sheet
*pillow
*crib bumper
*mobile
*plush
*burp cloths
*sling
*blanket
*fabric bucket
*bibs
*bunting
*hat

2) New baby sewing series: advanced
*diaper bag
*quilt
*baby clothes
*booties
*dolls

3) Housewares sewing series: kitchen
*potholders
*tea towels
*apron
*napkins
*curtains
*magnets

4) Housewares sewing series: comforts
*organizers
*fabric buckets
*framed fabric art
*doorstop
*pillow
*table runner

In which she figures out how to decide where to put her energy

Things I am excited about:

Collaborating with Rick on his Ghost House Project. (We will be making plush/softie versions of his Ghost House paintings). I've been doing some general inquiry about why I am so open to do this project and why I'm so wary of collaborating with other people sometimes. Perhaps because there are clear boundaries about what our individual roles are--and because he is actually putting so much effort into this project--that I will not likely end up feeling taken for granted (letting myself get taken for granted?). More on that later.

Meeting with Irene about the possibility of incorporating my idea for a fabric store/sewing lounge into her gallery space. I'm not putting any eggs into any baskets here, but I like the idea of just talking about what's possible. Just getting closer to the real possibility of doing this thing.

I was about to add another item about helping Brian with promo stuff for his band, but suddenly not feeling so good about it. These are the things that I need to pay attention to: putting energy into things (to help or benefit others) that ultimately leave me feeling taken for granted. This is a very important realization for me to have right now--knowing in advance that I will not feel good about putting too much energy into that project.

In which she starts believing that all people are really actually doing the best they can

New post. With Capitalization. And punctuation other than ellipses. And a lot more on my mind these days. Sure I still love to gush about fabric and dreamweave about my future endeavors. But I figured this new thing out. Somebody might call it being "present". Some other body might call it "letting go". Some other asshole might call it something else. I'm going to call it a permanent breakthrough.

I have breakthroughs all the time--when everything is illuminated and things feel so ok--and I am in control of what I need to be in control of. Those are brilliant moments and then they end. It's like one thing triggers you and BEEEEEPPP! Breakthrough time is up! Get back to your old habits! Get back to your story! (Either said in a computer-maid voice, or a southern cowpoke voice, not sure which). So little breakthroughs are great--especially when you write them down, and then the next time you sit down to write, and you read backwards to see what was up last time and WTF? It says the exact same thing! Maybe with a few different superlatives thrown in, names and faces change (...paused there, tended to a very sleepy child with a terrible case of 'leg rash'...) but ultimately you keep learning the same thing over and over. And it's not even a tricky or complicated thing--no, that's not why we always forget.

Possible metaphor: it's like a history test. In which you stay up all night, passionately studying to remember a bunch of names and numbers, in order to take the test, get an A+, and subsequently forget each and every answer as you get your humanities credits out of the way in order to learn chemical engineering or some useful shit like that. It's not until you decide to love learning about history--and seeing the big picture--of history as change (stole that from a movie I watched last night: Full Nelson. SOOOOO good. I can't believe I hadn't seen it before. And why didn't anyone tell me how fucking adorable that Ryan Gosling is? Damn) that you will retain the important stuff and take it with you. On your journey. Of life. Hee hee. I'm a cliche waiting to happen, aren't I?

Did it work? The metaphor, I mean. So basically until we learn to love and appreciate our own processes, will these breakthroughs really stick. I think I typically judge myself when i have one of my famous breakthroughs and then 2 days later have a freakout in which all of the wisdom just flies out the window. So there I am all pissed at myself for not behaving the way I think I should be behaving, so frustrated with myself for not being 'better' and I just sink back into it. I'm think I'm a jackass and therefore I will act like a jackass. So this is what's possible: I can step back from my judgement (which I would typically be doing at this VERY moment: you can't BLOG when your son has leg rash!) and just see that I'm doing the best I can. Truly. In every moment, we're all just doing the best we can. And at the same time, what we are programmed to do. As an overachiever, I am interested in deprogramming, so that I can do better. Eventually. But right now? Perfect.

Confession: if someone were to observe me at work at my computer, they would probably want me to get help for my freakish email checking, blog checking, facebook addiction. I would tell me to knock it off if I were, um, me. But I'm not exactly 'me' right now, now am I? I'm having a permanent breakthrough here! Do you realize how serious this is? It could affect life as we know it! Things might not ever be the same! Gawd I hope so.

I leave you with this bunny picture. This bunny helped me to figure out how to do this thing that I'm doing. You see, he is on the front of a new little notebook that I got for my birthday. I had been staring at him (not using the notebook) for a long time, looking for answers. Finally, FINALLY, I figured it out! Without further ado:This is the artist who made it is Nathalie Lete. She's a little bit inspiring, no?