In which she starts believing that all people are really actually doing the best they can

New post. With Capitalization. And punctuation other than ellipses. And a lot more on my mind these days. Sure I still love to gush about fabric and dreamweave about my future endeavors. But I figured this new thing out. Somebody might call it being "present". Some other body might call it "letting go". Some other asshole might call it something else. I'm going to call it a permanent breakthrough.

I have breakthroughs all the time--when everything is illuminated and things feel so ok--and I am in control of what I need to be in control of. Those are brilliant moments and then they end. It's like one thing triggers you and BEEEEEPPP! Breakthrough time is up! Get back to your old habits! Get back to your story! (Either said in a computer-maid voice, or a southern cowpoke voice, not sure which). So little breakthroughs are great--especially when you write them down, and then the next time you sit down to write, and you read backwards to see what was up last time and WTF? It says the exact same thing! Maybe with a few different superlatives thrown in, names and faces change (...paused there, tended to a very sleepy child with a terrible case of 'leg rash'...) but ultimately you keep learning the same thing over and over. And it's not even a tricky or complicated thing--no, that's not why we always forget.

Possible metaphor: it's like a history test. In which you stay up all night, passionately studying to remember a bunch of names and numbers, in order to take the test, get an A+, and subsequently forget each and every answer as you get your humanities credits out of the way in order to learn chemical engineering or some useful shit like that. It's not until you decide to love learning about history--and seeing the big picture--of history as change (stole that from a movie I watched last night: Full Nelson. SOOOOO good. I can't believe I hadn't seen it before. And why didn't anyone tell me how fucking adorable that Ryan Gosling is? Damn) that you will retain the important stuff and take it with you. On your journey. Of life. Hee hee. I'm a cliche waiting to happen, aren't I?

Did it work? The metaphor, I mean. So basically until we learn to love and appreciate our own processes, will these breakthroughs really stick. I think I typically judge myself when i have one of my famous breakthroughs and then 2 days later have a freakout in which all of the wisdom just flies out the window. So there I am all pissed at myself for not behaving the way I think I should be behaving, so frustrated with myself for not being 'better' and I just sink back into it. I'm think I'm a jackass and therefore I will act like a jackass. So this is what's possible: I can step back from my judgement (which I would typically be doing at this VERY moment: you can't BLOG when your son has leg rash!) and just see that I'm doing the best I can. Truly. In every moment, we're all just doing the best we can. And at the same time, what we are programmed to do. As an overachiever, I am interested in deprogramming, so that I can do better. Eventually. But right now? Perfect.

Confession: if someone were to observe me at work at my computer, they would probably want me to get help for my freakish email checking, blog checking, facebook addiction. I would tell me to knock it off if I were, um, me. But I'm not exactly 'me' right now, now am I? I'm having a permanent breakthrough here! Do you realize how serious this is? It could affect life as we know it! Things might not ever be the same! Gawd I hope so.

I leave you with this bunny picture. This bunny helped me to figure out how to do this thing that I'm doing. You see, he is on the front of a new little notebook that I got for my birthday. I had been staring at him (not using the notebook) for a long time, looking for answers. Finally, FINALLY, I figured it out! Without further ado:This is the artist who made it is Nathalie Lete. She's a little bit inspiring, no?

I think I want to be an artist. There. I said it.

bio

why is it so hard to write a bio? i guess i should ask: why is it so hard for ME to write a bio? i'm clearly not self-important enough. although i am self-involved enough to have a BLOG. what is the world coming to?

i need to get some organizing done in the old sewing room/office. i think that is the first step toward clearing the clutter--both literally and figuratively. maybe then i will have clarity about who i am.

another stolen mission

MODERN SEWING CIRCLE: Our mission is to create a crafty community that encourages creation and inspiration, by using what you've already got and making what you need in a space you can count on. It is a place where a beginner can feel comfortable working on easy sewing projects and more advanced seamsters can take advantage of industrial sewing equipment. Our concepts include both making new clothing from start to finish and giving new life to old clothing through refashioning and restyling.

or try this:
a woman-owned business providing an inspirational, supportive environment for people to express their individuality by creating their own clothing and clothing accessories. Tools, supplies, resources, and advice are provided in a professional yet comfortable workspace that encourages the free exchange of ideas between all skill levels.

finally

i saw my first and only hummingbird of the summer last weekend while camping. it was hovering over the payette river. do hummingbirds eat bugs? i thought they only ate nectar...if that was a hummingbird moth i am going to vomit. they are so gross and scary:

mission

this is stolen from the website http://www.reformschoolrules.com/; from their 'about us' section. i found it to be extremely apt--in line with what my future mission statement might sound like.



"We definitely wanted to talk about how sustainable design is a huge focus for us, and that green living is important to us, not only in business but in our personal lives as well. We wanted to be eco-friendly without being too in-your-face about it. The last thing we wanted was to be another shop selling all things hemp & bamboo ( not that we don't love hemp & bamboo).


We really wanted to point out how much we love and respect all of the artists and crafters whose handmade wares fill us with inspiration. One of the greatest things about having a shop is being able to support these talented folks and all of their creativity."



just getting more focus...more direction...more inspiration.

keeping on

it's funny how quickly a dream loses steam. it doesn't help that i have been husbandless for the past month--not leaving much time for blogging and daydreaming and planning; what with all the parenting and working and sleeping i've been doing.

i got my new machine:it's a dreamy piece of machinery and cost more than my first car, but soooo worth it. it will sew effortlessly through 14 layers of fabric, has a walking foot, and will stitch a row of little alligators if you so desire. the other night i made a vinyl bag, and while i did break one needle, it was a small price to pay for a totally sturdy, well made vinyl bag with a vintage tablecloth lining. meesh and i tried to work 'tutorial' style, but i got way to anxious to finish. we used one of lotta jansdotter's patterns, and it turned out super cute. not a beginner project, however. especially not on vinyl.